{"id":12942,"date":"2026-05-08T22:51:59","date_gmt":"2026-05-09T02:51:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/the-practice-of-self-inquiry-10-questions-for-people-who-are-too-hard-on-themselves\/"},"modified":"2026-05-08T22:51:59","modified_gmt":"2026-05-09T02:51:59","slug":"the-practice-of-self-inquiry-10-questions-for-people-who-are-too-hard-on-themselves","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/the-practice-of-self-inquiry-10-questions-for-people-who-are-too-hard-on-themselves\/","title":{"rendered":"The Practice of Self-Inquiry: 10 Questions for People Who Are Too Hard on Themselves"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Profit<\/a>
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\"A<\/figure>\n

The following is a guest post from Paul Conti, MD<\/strong><\/a>, a graduate of Stanford University School of Medicine. He completed his psychiatry training at Stanford and at Harvard, where he was appointed chief resident and then served on the medical faculty before moving to Portland and founding a clinic. Dr. Conti specializes in complex assessment and problem-solving as well as both health and performance optimization, serving patients and clients throughout the United States and internationally, including the executive leadership of large corporations.<\/p>\n

What follows is an adapted excerpt from his new book What\u2019s Going Right: A Powerful New Method for Optimizing Your Mental Health<\/em><\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Please enjoy!\u00a0<\/p>\n

Enter Dr. Paul Conti\u2026 <\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cPaul, I\u2019m finally going to commit myself to a hardcore exercise program. If I don\u2019t do something challenging soon, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll ever go back to the gym. It\u2019s now or never,\u201d my patient Teresa declared.\u00a0<\/p>\n

It surprised me to hear Teresa make such a powerful statement. She\u2019d been struggling with anxiety and low self-esteem for quite a while, and although she wasn\u2019t suicidal, Teresa had long given up on efforts to make her life better. After failing to experience lasting results from past efforts, she simply didn\u2019t see the point. So when she proudly announced this new resolve, I nodded in cautious agreement. This new exercise program was her revelation, and it reverberated strongly through her life.<\/p>\n

She lasted just two weeks.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not one to judge failed expectations when it comes to exercise. Some research estimates that up to 88 percent of New Year\u2019s resolutions fail within two weeks. And while Teresa\u2019s resolution wasn\u2019t for New Year\u2019s, she fell squarely into the majority of that statistic. As she and I discussed why the program hadn\u2019t worked for her, a usual suspect appeared: her new exercise regimen was too much for her busy work schedule. Teresa\u2019s strivings had crashed into the obstinate wall of her reality, and as the weight of making time for weightlifting grew heavier each day, she finally succumbed to excuses not to go.\u00a0<\/p>\n

First, she told herself, \u201cToday I\u2019ll go after work instead of before, like I\u2019d planned,\u201d and then it was, \u201cWell, I\u2019ll skip today, but I\u2019ll make up for it with an extra-long session on my day off.\u201d She\u2019d succeeded in articulating her strivings and changing some of her behaviors, but there was a lot going on for Teresa that she wasn\u2019t entirely conscious of\u2014namely, some self-sabotaging defense mechanisms and a host of automatic, ingrained negative thoughts that had plagued her for most of her life.<\/p>\n

At her first slip-up, Teresa fell back into negative self-talk spirals, repeatedly telling herself things like, \u201cI\u2019m just too lazy. I don\u2019t have enough discipline. I\u2019m hopeless. I\u2019m incapable of change. This is more proof that I need to give up and stop trying. Who am I fooling?\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019d known Teresa for some time. She was as compassionate and insightful as they come. She\u2019d never speak to a struggling friend the way she talked to herself, and yet the voice in her head was relentless, unhelpful, and unkind.<\/p>\n

Sound familiar?<\/p>\n

Teresa was accomplished and driven at her work. Her problem wasn\u2019t laziness or a lack of discipline or some cursed inability to change; Teresa\u2019s problem was that she\u2019d aimed too high, thereby setting herself up for failure.<\/p>\n

In our first meeting after she\u2019d quit her program, I gave Teresa what might sound like suspect advice. \u201cIn the future,\u201d I told her, \u201cit would be a lot better to choose not to do the exercise program in the first place than to continually allow yourself to talk your way out of it. At least that way you\u2019d be making the choice conscious<\/em>.\u201d I stressed the last part since many of our excuses aren\u2019t fully extracted from the unconscious mind. The negative voices within us and the despair to which they can drive us are resistant to change. They lurk in our unconscious, ready to toss a discouraging word above the surface. That\u2019s why it\u2019s so important that we learn to pull them all the way to the surface so that we can shine the light of consciousness upon them and make healthier decisions for ourselves.<\/p>\n

Eventually, Teresa and I explored some bite-sized options for self-care that were better suited for her busy life. After a few compassionate corrections, she regrouped and kicked off her year in a positive manner. She allowed herself to collect smaller wins over time and gradually learned to meet her shortcomings with kinder self-talk. Through our work together, she also learned practical steps for self-inquiry that empowered her to continue to bring those detrimental messages into her conscious awareness.<\/p>\n

Self-Inquiry as a Way of Life<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Although asking yourself questions is just one aspect of self-inquiry, it\u2019s probably the most available path of self-inquiry in any given moment. Later, I\u2019ll provide a list of questions as a baseline for helpful self-inquiry. But keep in mind that questions are only helpful if they foster your empowerment and agency. It\u2019s also essential that your questions are imbued with compassionate curiosity.<\/p>\n

Looking into your unconscious beliefs and behaviors doesn\u2019t help if it just increases your guilt and shame (which typically, in turn, just furthers those unconscious beliefs and behaviors). The point is to be inquisitive, not inquisitorial. Don\u2019t grill, hound, or nag yourself with harsh critiques or demands for justifiable answers. Rather, do your best to ask questions that are friendly, relevant, and productive.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The question \u201cWhy did you screw up again?\u201d comes from a particular mindset and will generate a particular (and likely negative) reply. Questions like \u201cHow does this repetitive pattern serve me?\u201d and \u201cWhat am I missing here?\u201d might address the same issue but from a kinder and more generative angle. Whatever you ask yourself, remember that the best form of self-inquiry is compassionate, curious, honest, and open.<\/p>\n

Setting the Stage for Self-Inquiry through Questions<\/strong><\/h3>\n

To get the most out of these exercises\u2014to truly be purposeful about self-reflection\u2014consider these guidelines first:<\/p>\n