{"id":13821,"date":"2026-10-02T00:50:54","date_gmt":"2026-10-02T04:50:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/the-secret-to-happiness-is-self-knowledge-how-to-know-yourself-better\/"},"modified":"2026-10-02T00:50:54","modified_gmt":"2026-10-02T04:50:54","slug":"the-secret-to-happiness-is-self-knowledge-how-to-know-yourself-better","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/the-secret-to-happiness-is-self-knowledge-how-to-know-yourself-better\/","title":{"rendered":"The Secret to Happiness Is Self-Knowledge: How to Know Yourself Better"},"content":{"rendered":"

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An earlier version of this article appeared October 18, 2021<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

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People often ask me, “What’s the secret to happiness? If you had to choose one thing, what would you choose?” <\/strong><\/p>\n

Depending on your perspective, that question can be answered in a few different ways.<\/p>\n

One answer is: Relationships<\/strong><\/a>. Contemporary scientists and ancient philosophers agree that to be happy, we need strong, enduring bonds to others.<\/p>\n

Another answer is: Self-knowledge<\/strong>. We can build happy lives only on the foundation of our own nature, our own interests, our own values, our own temperament<\/strong>. I’ve certainly found that to be true in my own case.<\/p>\n

What is self-knowledge?<\/strong> Self-knowledge is an accurate understanding of your own nature, interests, values, and temperament. For happiness, the hard part is separating what’s true about yourself from what you wish were true, or think ought to be true.<\/p>\n

Why Is It So Hard to Know Yourself?<\/h3>\n

You might think, “Of course I know myself. I just hang out with myself all day long!” But in fact, it’s easy to be distracted by the way we wish we were, or think we ought to be, or what others think we should be, until we lose sight of what’s actually true. As Christopher Alexander observed:<\/p>\n

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It is hard, so terribly hard, to please yourself. Far from being the easy thing that it sounds like, it is almost the hardest thing in the world, because we are not always comfortable with that true self that lies deep within us.<\/p>\n

The Nature of Order, Book Four: The Luminous Ground<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

My first Personal Commandment is to “Be Gretchen.” Sometimes, it’s tough to follow. Some people spend years trying to become a morning person, or someone who loves hosting big parties, because that’s the kind of person they admire. But really, we’re happiest when our decisions most closely match our natures and our values.<\/p>\n

How to Know Yourself Better: Ask Yourself Questions<\/h3>\n

A shrewd question can kick up unexpected insights, and often points the way toward useful change.<\/p>\n

For instance: What do you lie about? A friend told me, “My doctor asked me if I wore sunscreen, and I said I did, even though I almost never do.” When we lie, we show that in some way, our actions don’t reflect our values. And that’s a very, very useful thing to observe.<\/p>\n

Also, an astute question can help us notice an overlooked pattern or characteristic about ourselves.<\/p>\n

This strategy\u2014asking ourselves questions\u2014is so effective, and so important for happiness, that on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin<\/em><\/a>\u00a0podcast, one of our recurring segments is “Know Yourself Better.”<\/p>\n

Here are some questions to try.<\/p>\n