{"id":3103,"date":"2023-06-29T02:53:36","date_gmt":"2023-06-29T06:53:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/i-gave-a-high-school-commencement-address-five-essential-paradoxes\/"},"modified":"2023-06-29T02:53:36","modified_gmt":"2023-06-29T06:53:36","slug":"i-gave-a-high-school-commencement-address-five-essential-paradoxes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/i-gave-a-high-school-commencement-address-five-essential-paradoxes\/","title":{"rendered":"I Gave a High-School Commencement Address: Five Essential Paradoxes"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Profit<\/a>
\n<\/p>\n

\n

Recently, I was thrilled to be asked to give the commencement address for my daughter Eleanor\u2019s high-school graduation.<\/p>\n

(I worried that Eleanor might not be enthusiastic about this development, and I was surprised and pleased that she was really happy about it.)<\/p>\n

One note, so the conclusion makes sense: The school song begins \u201cWe go forth unafraid\/Strong with love and strong with learning\u201d and the song\u2019s final line is \u201cHere we have learned to go forth unafraid.\u201d<\/p>\n

In writing it, I wanted to explore transcendent themes, and I did. But I have a very practical side, and without quite meaning to do it, I wrote two commencement addresses: The Profound and The Practical<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the version I gave, about five essential paradoxes:<\/p>\n

+<\/p>\n

Thank you, I\u2019m so honored to be here. Congratulations to the Head of School, teachers, proud families and friends, and, above all, to the class of 2023.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s deeply moving to me to be here as a parent, to see all of you up on stage, dressed in your caps and gowns. I remember taking a photo of Eleanor outside Little Dalton on the first day of kindergarten. I thought, \u201cShe\u2019s already so big!\u201d and comforted myself by thinking, \u201cShe\u2019s only in kindergarten, senior year will never come.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Yet here we are, at that impossible milestone. The days are long, but the years are short.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now, graduates, whatever you\u2019re doing next, you\u2019re entering a new stage of life. Your friends, your schedule, your city, your relationship to your family, what you eat for breakfast, all may change.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s exciting, and also scary.<\/p>\n

You may worry, \u201cHow do I make sense of what\u2019s coming next, if all I know is high school?\u201d If you\u2019re anything like me, over and over in life, you\u2019ll find yourself thinking, \u201cGosh, this is just like high school!\u201d Life is<\/em> high school; it\u2019s just that high school is the first time we notice it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Again and again, we have to start over\u2014find our place, find our friends, find our way to be in the world.<\/p>\n

I study happiness and human nature, and I\u2019ve discovered something surprising: The opposite of a profound truth is also true<\/strong>. So the study of happiness is often the study of paradoxes.<\/p>\n

We grapple with these paradoxes throughout our lives, and graduates, you\u2019ve probably faced them many times already. Now you\u2019re at a time of transition, when they become particularly urgent.<\/p>\n

So I offer five essential paradoxes that may help you make sense of your experiences\u2014what you\u2019ve experienced in the past and what you\u2019ll experience in the future. Because life is high school, and high school is life.<\/p>\n

Paradox #1: Be selfish, if only for selfless reasons,<\/strong> and be selfless, if only for selfish reasons. <\/strong><\/h3>\n

When it comes to happiness, many people ask, \u201cIn a world full of suffering and injustice, is it morally appropriate for individuals to seek to be happier?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

In fact, research shows\u2014and experience confirms\u2014that when we\u2019re happier, we\u2019re more likely to engage with the problems of the world, to give our time and money, to vote, and to be compassionate; and we\u2019re more interested in making change. Happiness doesn\u2019t make people stay out late and party; it helps them decide, \u201cLet\u2019s start a campus-wide rooftop solar program.\u201d<\/p>\n

Working on our own happiness strengthens us to tackle the challenges of society. That airline reminder has become a clich\u00e9 because it\u2019s true: We each need to secure our own oxygen mask first, if we\u2019re going to help other people.<\/p>\n

So, if it is<\/em> selfish to try to be happier, we should be selfish, if only for selfless reasons.<\/p>\n

At the same time, we should be selfless, if only for selfish reasons. One of the best ways to make ourselves<\/em> happy is to make other people<\/em> happy.<\/strong> Do good, feel good\u2014it really works! I remember talking to a friend who, in her twenties, had gone through a very tough time: her boyfriend broke up with her, she got fired, and she was rejected from a graduate-school program. I asked her how she got through it, and she told me, \u201cI was practically addicted to volunteering and doing good deeds. They were the only things that made me feel better.\u201d<\/p>\n

We should be selfish, if only for selfless reasons,<\/strong> and be selfless, if only for selfish reasons. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Paradox #2: Y<\/strong>ou\u2019re unique, exactly like everyone else<\/strong>.<\/h3>\n

You\u2019re one of a kind, a singular combination of abilities and interests, and the same thing is true of the people around you.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re all<\/em> unique, and we\u2019re also very ordinary. For instance, one of the most universal emotions is the feeling that you don\u2019t belong. So when you feel like you don\u2019t fit in\u2014say, on your first day of freshman year\u2014you fit right in.<\/p>\n

Even when you think, \u201cNo one feels the way I do,\u201d probably they do. Drummer Ringo Starr told a funny story<\/a> about the summer that the Beatles were recording the White<\/em>\u00a0Album<\/em><\/a>, when he briefly left the group. He visits John Lennon and says, \u201cI\u2019m leaving the group because I\u2019m not playing well and I feel unloved\u2026and you three are really close.\u201d John says, \u201cI thought it was you three<\/em>!\u201d Then Ringo visits Paul McCartney and says, \u201cI\u2019m leaving the band. I feel you three guys are really close and I\u2019m out of it.\u201d Paul replies, \u201c\u2018I thought it was you three<\/em>!\u201d Ringo doesn\u2019t even bother to visit George Harrison.<\/p>\n

Because we\u2019re unique, exactly like everyone else, one great challenge of our lives is to know ourselves.<\/p>\n

You might think, \u201cI know myself, I hang out with myself all day long,\u201d but it\u2019s hard to know ourselves. We get distracted by the way we wish we were, or what other people want us to be, or we take our strengths for granted.<\/p>\n

Because I write about happiness, people sometimes say to me, \u201cGive me the short answer. What\u2019s the best<\/em>, the most scientifically proven way to become happier?\u201d<\/p>\n

And I explain, \u201cThere\u2019s no one right<\/em> way. We each have to figure it out for ourselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

They say, \u201cSure, sure. Just give me the best<\/em> way.\u201d<\/p>\n

For a long time, this question stumped me, but now when they ask, \u201cWhat\u2019s the best<\/em> way to create a happy life?\u201d I respond, \u201cWhat\u2019s the best way to cook an egg?\u201d They say, \u201cWell, it depends on how you like your eggs.\u201d I answer, \u201cRight! We each have the answer that\u2019s right for us.\u201d<\/p>\n

There can\u2019t be a one-size-fits-all answer to tell you how to achieve your aims. Other people can suggest possibilities, but they can\u2019t figure it out for you\u2014and you can\u2019t figure it out for them.<\/p>\n

Y<\/strong>ou\u2019re unique, exactly like everyone else<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Paradox #3: Not choosing is a choice<\/strong>.<\/h3>\n

During times of change, such as the one you graduates are entering, we need to figure what we want\u2014and that\u2019s daunting. Because that question is so hard, when we\u2019re faced with choices, it\u2019s easy to drift.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>\u201cDrift\u201d is the decision we make by not deciding<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

We drift when we feel like other people or processes are moving events forward, and we\u2019re just being carried along. We drift when we find ourselves doing or getting something because the people around us are doing it or want it. You go to medical school because both your parents are doctors. You take a job because someone offers you that job.<\/p>\n

We drift because we want the respect of the people around us, or we want to avoid a fight or a bout of insecurity, or we want to end uncertainty, so we take the path of least resistance.<\/p>\n

I drifted into law school. I didn\u2019t know what else to do, and I told myself, \u201cThis will keep my options open,\u201d \u201cI can always change my mind later,\u201d and \u201cI can\u2019t turn down this terrific opportunity.\u201d<\/p>\n

The word \u201cdrift\u201d has overtones of laziness or ease. Not true! Drift is often disguised by a huge amount of effort<\/strong>. <\/strong>For me, law school was drift, and it was hard <\/em>every step of the way, from studying for the LSAT to clerking for the Supreme Court.<\/p>\n

Looking back, I\u2019m glad I went to law school\u2014and that\u2019s another confusing thing about drift! Sometimes drift does make you happy; bad decision-making can lead to good outcome. But don\u2019t count on it.<\/em><\/p>\n

Drift is dangerous, because when we drift, we\u2019re not mindfully choosing<\/strong>. As writer James Baldwin noted<\/a>: \u201cIf you don\u2019t live the only life you have, you won\u2019t live some other life, you won\u2019t live any life at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the end, we must<\/em> choose. Because not choosing is a choice.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

Paradox #4: Accept yourself, and also expect more from yourself<\/strong>.<\/h3>\n

One great challenge is to be true to ourselves, yet also push ourselves. This is a very tricky<\/em> paradox. And you, at the end of your high-school years, are probably very familiar with it.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it can be hard to know when to accept, \u201cHey, that\u2019s not me, that\u2019s not my thing,\u201d or when to push ourselves toward a goal that\u2019s uncomfortable.<\/p>\n

In one of my first jobs, a work friend told me that he\u2019d gotten a great promotion, but as part of it, he had to give weekly presentations to a large group\u2014and he hated<\/em> public speaking. When he told his boss, his boss said, \u201cIt\u2019s okay, if you don\u2019t want to do it, I\u2019ll assign that role to someone else.\u201d<\/p>\n

So my friend had to decide: Accept himself, or expect more from himself? He pushed himself to give the presentations.<\/p>\n

As you consider a difficult aim, only you can decide whether it\u2019s the right aim for you. Should you take Statistics, join the intramural basketball team, audition for the improv group, launch a start-up, run for office?<\/p>\n

A<\/strong>ccept yourself, and also expect more from yourself<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Just as we can use Paradox #4 to help us understand how we<\/em> can consider ourselves<\/em>, we can use Paradox #5 to help us understand how others<\/em> consider us<\/em>.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Paradox #5: Love is unconditional, and love is demanding<\/strong>.<\/h3>\n

Graduates, I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve felt the weight of this paradox\u2014probably, quite recently! Love accepts you just as you are, and love expects the best from you.<\/p>\n

I heard a great example of this paradox from musician Rosanne Cash, about a conversation<\/a> she had with her husband and musical collaborator, John Leventhal.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The two were in Nashville, where Rosanne did a guest session on another band\u2019s album; John came along to hang out during the recording. After the session, he didn\u2019t say anything, so Rosanne asked, \u201cHow did you like it?\u201d He answered, \u201cI would have pushed you harder.\u201d<\/p>\n

Love says, \u201cYou\u2019re the best,\u201d and love says, \u201cYou can do better.\u201d<\/p>\n

Graduates, sometimes, the people around you\u2014parents, teachers, bosses, coaches, friends\u2014may get this wrong; because we see so much good, we don\u2019t realize when we\u2019re pushing too hard. But when you think about all the reminders, to-do lists, and lectures you\u2019ve received, remember, our insistence that you live up to your potential is an expression of our boundless love.<\/p>\n

Love is unconditional, and love is demanding<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

So those are five paradoxes for this day, which celebrates both an ending and a commencing.<\/p>\n

And here\u2019s a bonus paradox: I\u2019m sad to see the years at Dalton come to an end, and I\u2019m happy, too. I\u2019m sad to say farewell to an institution that my family loves, and happy to see all you graduates, ready to go out into the world, strong with love and strong with learning. Now it\u2019s time to go forth unafraid.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

Thank you.
<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

\"Profit<\/a>
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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