{"id":3705,"date":"2023-08-12T08:06:03","date_gmt":"2023-08-12T12:06:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/i-quit-identifying-and-dealing-with-obliger-rebellion\/"},"modified":"2023-08-12T08:06:03","modified_gmt":"2023-08-12T12:06:03","slug":"i-quit-identifying-and-dealing-with-obliger-rebellion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/i-quit-identifying-and-dealing-with-obliger-rebellion\/","title":{"rendered":"&#8220;I Quit!&#8221; Identifying and Dealing with Obliger-Rebellion"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <a href=\"https:\/\/hop.clickbank.net\/?affiliate=infohatch&amp;vendor=J1R2C\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-10614 aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/profit-gen400px.png\" alt=\"Profit Gen\" width=\"400\" height=\"217\" srcset=\"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/profit-gen400px.png 400w, https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/profit-gen400px-300x163.png 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<p>In my book <em><a href=\"https:\/\/gretchenrubin.com\/books\/the-four-tendencies\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Four Tendencies<\/a><\/em>, I describe my personality framework that divides people into four \u201cTendencies\u201d: Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel.<\/p>\n<p>Want to learn your Tendency? <a href=\"https:\/\/gretchenrubin.com\/quiz\/the-four-tendencies-quiz\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Take the free quiz<\/a> (more than three million people have taken it), or <a href=\"https:\/\/gretchenrubin.com\/four-tendencies\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">learn more about the framework here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Here, I\u2019m going to explore a very particular\u2014and very important\u2014pattern of behavior seen in Obligers. It\u2019s a phenomenon that seems very mysterious if you don\u2019t know about the Four Tendencies\u2014but once you understand the framework, this pattern is very easy to understand and spot.<\/p>\n<p><strong>It\u2019s the pattern of Obliger-rebellion.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s important to understand this phenomenon because 1) Obliger is the biggest group, for both men and women, so anything that affects Obligers affects many people and 2) while Obliger-rebellion can sometimes be positive force, it\u2019s often quite destructive.<\/p>\n<h2><strong>What is \u201cObliger-Rebellion?\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>When Obligers feel exploited, over-taxed, unappreciated, neglected, ignored, or disrespected, or when the weight of expectations feels unbearable, they begin to feel mounting anger and resentment. If expectations continue to press, the Obligers\u2019 anger builds to the bursting point. Then they <em>rebel<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>So Obligers will meet, meet, meet, meet expectations, and then suddenly they <em>snap<\/em>. They say, \u201cThis, I will not do!\u201d and they refuse to meet an expectation. Obliger-rebellion kicks in to give the Obligers an exit.<\/p>\n<p>This rebellion can be small and symbolic (refusing to answer someone\u2019s emails, refusing to cook dinner for a week, being deliberately late for work) or it can be huge and fateful (ending a twenty-year friendship, quitting a job, getting a divorce).<\/p>\n<h2><strong>Signs that people are approaching Obliger-rebellion:<\/strong><\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li>they act out of character\u2014for instance, they waste time, when they\u2019re usually very focused and productive. In fact\u2026<\/li>\n<li>they will often observe of themselves, \u201cI\u2019m not myself, I\u2019m acting out of character\u201d<\/li>\n<li>they seem listless and apathetic, without motivation or energy<\/li>\n<li>they do things that aren\u2019t in their best interest; self-sabotage\u2014for instance, fail to prepare for an interview; stay up late binge-watching TV during a busy time<\/li>\n<li>they feel burdened by activities they usually enjoy, such as organizing an office birthday party<\/li>\n<li>they don\u2019t answer even simple requests, such as answering a text\u2014they go \u201con strike\u201d<\/li>\n<li>they may waste a lot of time, with activities such as scrolling or online browsing<\/li>\n<li>they may feel a feeling of constriction or discomfort in their bodies: tight jaw, tense shoulders, upset stomach, bad headache, back or neck pain, grind their teeth<\/li>\n<li>they procrastinate with tasks they\u2019d usually complete promptly<\/li>\n<li>they\u2019re resentful, snappish, curt<\/li>\n<li>they isolate themselves, they pull away, they \u201cghost\u201d\u2014in part, to protect themselves from further expectations<\/li>\n<li>they may begin to think about change\u2014whether through fantasy (move to an island, work on a farm) or actual preparation (polish a resume, scroll through job postings)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><strong>Signs that people have indeed entered Obliger-rebellion:<\/strong><\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li>they explode, they blow up, they snap<\/li>\n<li>their anger seems to come out of the blue and may seem disproportionate to the situation (to someone who hasn\u2019t noticed the warning signs listed above)<\/li>\n<li>they refuse to meet their responsibilities<\/li>\n<li>they announce a break: quit a job, end a relationship<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Here are a few examples:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">\u201cA friend called me to say she had no time to make a charcuterie board for her husband\u2019s birthday party. This is my area of expertise, so I would normally say, \u2018I\u2019ll do it,\u2019 as I know she was hoping\u2014but instead I refused.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">\u201cI do things to deliberately push the envelope in breaking whatever rule annoys them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">\u201cAfter realizing that the workload in my household was way unbalanced, my resentment has sent my Obliger-self into full rebellion. I refuse to cook anything and just pick up take-out. This was accompanied by extreme fatigue, low mood, migraines, and zero desire to do \u201call the things.\u201d I am not good at confrontation. I honestly was waiting to see if my husband would get a clue and start doing some of the things I usually do. No luck yet. I probably need to find a better way to deal with all of this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">\u201cI\u2019ve long suffered from \u2018perceived\u2019 obligations that eventually lead to resentment and obliger-rebellion. For example, when the in-laws visit, I feel an obligation (unspoken and truly not expected by my in-laws) to prepare gourmet breakfasts, home-cooked dinners, and in general to be the ultimate host. When these gestures go unnoticed, I feel resentful, turn mean, and rebellion ensures. Whether it\u2019s meals, free babysitting, running errands, etc., I go the extra mile and then start feeling resentful as I am doing it. What is my problem? How can I reconcile these desires to serve others without resentment? Maybe it\u2019s the lack of praise and outward thanks that is missing, but why should I even need that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sometimes, Obliger-rebellion is aimed at the <em>self<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If Obligers don\u2019t feel safe directing the rebellion outward, they may turn it inward.<\/p>\n<p>This can look like self-sabotage. An Obliger refuses to prepare for an interview, when it really matters. An Obliger won\u2019t complete schoolwork that could easily have been done.<\/p>\n<p>It may emerge in the area of health. An Obliger refuses to exercise, even though exercise would help manage his back pain. An Obliger refuses to cut back on sugar, even though her diabetes is out of control.<\/p>\n<p>The consequences fall directly on the Obliger, so this is a \u201csafe\u201d way to rebel (as compared to Obliger-rebellion at work, say, which might have significant consequences involving other people).<\/p>\n<h2><strong>How to avoid Obliger-rebellion for yourself and others:<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>Here are some ways to take action or re-frame expectations to try to avoid Obliger-rebellion:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>remind the Obliger that to say \u201cyes\u201d to one person means saying \u201cno\u201d to others<\/li>\n<li>encourage everyone to speak up for Obligers\u2014is work being unfairly divided? are a few people picking up the slack or the drudge work?<\/li>\n<li>keep a journal to identify patterns<\/li>\n<li>consider the \u201cfuture-self\u201d\u2014\u201dMy future-self will be really angry that I agreed to accept this responsibility; I need to say no to protect my future-self\u201d<\/li>\n<li>remember, \u201cIf I don\u2019t do it, someone else gets the opportunity\u201d<\/li>\n<li>think of the duty to be role model for others for setting boundaries, working reasonable hours, etc.<\/li>\n<li>ask, \u201cAre these outer expectations real? Is anyone actually expecting me to do this\u2014plan the icebreaker activity, host the holiday party\u2014or am I assuming this?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>remember that if you want to care for others, you have to care for yourself; as the cliche goes, put on your own oxygen mask first! <a href=\"https:\/\/gretchenrubin.com\/podcast\/little-happier-what-ann-patchetts-memoir-reminds-us\/\">Here\u2019s a story<\/a> I told about that challenge.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><strong>How to deal with Obliger-rebellion once it starts:<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>In general, once it starts, Obliger-rebellion needs to run its course. During that time, if you\u2019re an Obliger in rebellion, it can be helpful to:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>tell people that you feel overworked, unappreciated\u2014or both!<\/li>\n<li>explain the phenomenon of Obliger-rebellion to others, so they understand why a puzzling behavior actually makes sense\u2014you didn\u2019t explode after one simple comment; that your resentment had been building for a long time<\/li>\n<li>keep a journal to identify responses and patterns<\/li>\n<li>take a vacation, turn off all devices for a weekend, play hooky\u2014sometimes, to keep going, we have to allow ourselves to stop<\/li>\n<li>consult with a friend\u2014do they think you should ask for a break, tell people \u201cno,\u201d etc? If they advise you to draw a boundary, ask them to hold you accountable for doing so<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><strong>Frequently Asked Questions: <\/strong><\/h2>\n<p><strong>Do Upholders, Questioners, or Rebels also experience their own form of Obliger-rebellion?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Some Upholders, particularly UPHOLDER\/Obligers, sometimes experience Upholder-rebellion, but it\u2019s far rarer. Upholders are usually good at drawing boundaries, taking time for rest, and saying \u201cno,\u201d because it\u2019s so important to them to meet inner expectations.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes, too, Upholders may seem to rebel, when in fact they\u2019ve decided that the rules have changed. For instance, one Upholder told me, \u201cDuring the pandemic, I decided that every contract I had with myself was voided by <em>force majeure<\/em> and stopped doing everything.\u201d So they are, in fact, meeting outer and inner expectations.<\/p>\n<p>Questioners don\u2019t fall into rebellion because they don\u2019t do anything that doesn\u2019t make sense to them, and Rebels don\u2019t fall into rebellion, because they don\u2019t do things they don\u2019t want to do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Can Obliger-rebellion lead to positive outcomes?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>Absolutely<\/em>! While it can sometimes have destructive effects, Obliger-rebellion is meant to be a <em>constructive<\/em> phenomenon\u2014it\u2019s the emergency parachute that allows an Obliger to escape from a situation where expectations are just too high.<strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Obliger-rebellion can allow someone can get out of a bad marriage, a bad job, or a bad relationship. If you want an example of how Obliger-rebellion might have saved someone, read <em><a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/47ibF3V\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Remains of the Day<\/a><\/em>\u00a0by Kazuo Ishiguro. If the main character Stevens had been an Obliger instead of an Upholder, Obliger-rebellion might have made his life much happier.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s what one Obliger said:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">Eleven years ago before I knew anything about the Four Tendencies, I quit my job of 19 years and left a 4 year toxic relationship. This happened in a span of a few months. I wanted to share the message that I don\u2019t think every obliger rebellion is a bad one and perhaps trying to prevent them from happening is not always the best course of action.\u00a0 In my case, I went on to find a job that I love and also met the man who\u2019s now my husband. If I had just continued obliging and tried to suppress what I was feeling, I would not be in the happy place that I am today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What are some things <em>not<\/em> to say to someone in Obliger-rebellion?<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cYou need to learn to take better care of yourself.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cNobody asked you to do it.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cIf something\u2019s important to you, just do it.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cI don\u2019t want to help. If you want to do it, knock yourself out. But don\u2019t expect me to play a part.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cYou just need to cut yourself some slack.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong><br \/>I would love to see other examples of Obliger-rebellion. Can you point me anywhere?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Even if the creators aren\u2019t aware of the term \u201cObliger-rebellion\u201d or don\u2019t know the Four Tendencies framework, it\u2019s very common to see the Tendencies depicted in movies, TV, and books. Because people act according to these patterns all the time!<\/p>\n<p>See if you can spot the pattern of Obliger-rebellion in these movies and novels:<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s a striking description of Obliger-rebellion from <em>Who Is Rich? <\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><em>I attempted to interpret my irrational action. Had I ever done this kind of thing before? No. A life in the arts requires vigilance and restraint. Was my behavior out of character? Yes, technically, and also terrifyingly, although it was possible that this was merely the culmination of a period of interior deadness and anger, that something had been building for months, or years, that the recent and ongoing stresses had pushed me over the edge.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ve ever experienced or witnessed Obliger-rebellion, does this description ring true to you? How have you realized that Obliger-rebellion was brewing, and what have you done to handle it?<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/hop.clickbank.net\/?affiliate=infohatch&amp;vendor=J1R2C\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-10614 aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/profit-gen400px.png\" alt=\"Profit Gen\" width=\"400\" height=\"217\" srcset=\"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/profit-gen400px.png 400w, https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/profit-gen400px-300x163.png 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><br \/><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In my book The Four Tendencies, I describe my personality framework that divides people into four \u201cTendencies\u201d: Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel. Want to learn [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3706,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3705","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-habits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3705","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3705"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3705\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3706"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3705"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3705"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3705"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}