{"id":3941,"date":"2023-08-30T07:46:44","date_gmt":"2023-08-30T11:46:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/how-to-let-go-of-unconscious-patterns-that-no-longer-serve-you\/"},"modified":"2023-08-30T07:46:44","modified_gmt":"2023-08-30T11:46:44","slug":"how-to-let-go-of-unconscious-patterns-that-no-longer-serve-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/how-to-let-go-of-unconscious-patterns-that-no-longer-serve-you\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Let Go of Unconscious Patterns That No Longer Serve You"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Profit<\/a>
\n<\/p>\n

\n

I was chatting with a friend of mine who was recently laid off. The experience has been overwhelming for him in a myriad of ways, including feeling inadequate and not good enough to get another job.<\/span><\/p>\n

He scrolls through job postings on LinkedIn and sees jobs in his industry that might be a good fit but chooses not to apply to them. Why? It\u2019s safer to reject himself before others have a chance to reject him.<\/span><\/p>\n

In contrast, I have another friend who was recently laid off and she is enjoying this journey and using it as an opportunity to explore what might be next. She feels excited and ready to take on a new adventure. And, she\u2019s having a ton of conversations with various people about what they do so she can compile a list of opportunities that would feel expansive to her.<\/span><\/p>\n

What is the difference here? The exact same event occurred, but how these two friends are dealing with it, the thoughts, and emotions they are experiencing, and actions they are taking are so very different.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I believe the answer can be found in the book, <\/span>The myth of normal: trauma, illness & healing in a toxic culture<\/span><\/i>, where author Gabor Mat\u00e9 MD explores two essential needs: attachment and authenticity. <\/span><\/p>\n

The purpose of attachment, he states, \u201cis to facilitate either caretaking or being taken care of.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Authenticity is \u201cthe quality of being true to oneself.\u201d<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Attachment wins when we are young<\/b><\/h2>\n

When we are young, attachment wins because we need help to physically survive. Because we don\u2019t have many tools when we\u2019re young to help keep ourselves safe, we\u2019ll often hide how we feel, even from ourselves.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

An example of this might be a parent who repeatedly yells at, talks down to and reprimands a child for not meeting their expectations. The parent, in so many ways, let\u2019s the child know that they aren\u2019t enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

While the child may feel anger toward the parent, that\u2019s not a safe feeling to feel because they need their help (attachment). So, they turn the anger inward \u2013 they may start being harsh with themselves each time they feel they didn\u2019t meet an expectation. This helps protect them in a couple of ways.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

First, they don\u2019t make the parent even angrier by showing their anger. And second, because they are taking the place of the parent, so the parent can see they are being harsh with themselves, and they can back off.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\u201cThe conscious mind determines the actions, the unconscious mind determines the reactions; and the reactions are just as important as the actions.\u201d \u2013 E. Stanley Jones<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Authenticity wins when we are older<\/b><\/h2>\n

But, as we get older, being authentic is a higher priority to us<\/a>. Unfortunately, if we had to hide how we felt all those years, over time that chips away at our ability to be authentic.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dr. Mat\u00e9 states, \u201cAs these patterns get wired into our nervous system, the perceived need to be what the world demands becomes entangled with our sense of who we are and how to seek love. Inauthenticity is thereafter misidentified with survival because the two were synonymous during the formative years.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In this example, we\u2019ve got an adult who feels it isn\u2019t safe to feel anger and is very hard on themselves when they feel they haven\u2019t met an expectation. In fact, they may even decide it\u2019s too scary to even try (like my friend who was laid off).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And, they aren\u2019t consciously doing it, so it\u2019s difficult to consciously address it. All they know is they feel \u201cstuck.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

An exercise to try if you\u2019re feeling stuck<\/b><\/h2>\n

If you\u2019re feeling stuck in some way, it\u2019s likely a part of you that is working to keep you safe, day and night. So, what can be done? Go inward. Acknowledge and befriend this part. Find out what it needs. This will help you to integrate it and move forward.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s an exercise to try:<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Find a quiet time and calm your mind.<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Reflect on a recent event, conversation, etc. that felt uncomfortable to you. This might be a feeling of inadequacy, anxiousness, resentment, etc.<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Identify the emotion (anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, etc.) that comes up as you reflect on the situation.<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. Identify where you feel this emotion in your body (chest, neck, stomach, throat, etc.).<\/span><\/li>\n
  5. Identify what the sensation in your body feels like (shallow breathing, heaviness, burning throat, neck pain, etc.). Simply sit with this sensation. Feel into it.<\/span><\/li>\n
  6. Thank the part for trying to protect you for so long. It only has good intentions.<\/span><\/li>\n
  7. Ask this part, \u201cWhat is it that you need?\u201d Don\u2019t try to force thoughts \u2013 the answer won\u2019t come from your mind. Just sit with this question and see what comes up for you.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Continuing the integration<\/b><\/h2>\n

    Spending more and more time going inward will help integrate these parts, which will free you to move forward. For example, at a time in my life when I was in the middle of a career pivot, I felt exhausted and foggy \u2013 unable to get any traction.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    During this exercise, I was able to identify a part of me that didn\u2019t want a career change because it was too scary and unstable. Instead, it wanted to stay with what was known, dependable, and safe. So, I was able to use that information to decide what to do next.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    In my case, I decided to work a few hours with former clients as well as new ones. With this mix of work (both old and new), the exhaustion and fog dissipated.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Is there an area of your life where you feel stuck or don\u2019t know what to do? Try this exercise and see what comes up for you.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

    \"Profit<\/a>
    <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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