{"id":8562,"date":"2024-08-27T04:18:00","date_gmt":"2024-08-27T08:18:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/five-reflections-from-dropping-off-my-college-freshman\/"},"modified":"2024-08-27T04:18:00","modified_gmt":"2024-08-27T08:18:00","slug":"five-reflections-from-dropping-off-my-college-freshman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/five-reflections-from-dropping-off-my-college-freshman\/","title":{"rendered":"Five Reflections from Dropping Off My College Freshman"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Profit<\/a>
\n<\/p>\n

\n

My husband Jamie and I recently drove our younger daughter Eleanor up to college, to help her move in for her freshman year.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a huge family milestone.<\/p>\n

In the weeks before, we went to Target, washed the new sheets, jammed stuff into plastic drawers, labeled towels, and finally loaded up the trunk. Because we had a four-hour drive ahead of us, we left the day before and spent the night in a nearby hotel.<\/p>\n

Here are some of my observations and reflections:<\/p>\n

1. On the long drive, Jamie and I kept thinking of more words of wisdom to impart to Eleanor. \u201cAsk for help!\u201d \u201cMake conversation with people, don\u2019t look at your phone all the time!\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t do anything unsafe or stupid!\u201d But we said these things mostly to relieve our own feelings. For Eleanor, it\u2019s probably too late; she\u2019s either learned those lessons from us\u2014or not. At one point, Jamie actually said, \u201cJust take advantage of everything that college offers,\u201d and we all burst out laughing. It\u2019s such a cliche. It\u2019s true, but it\u2019s also such a cliche. But it\u2019s true<\/em>!<\/p>\n

2. Once we got settled in the hotel, we walked around campus to find her dorm, the gate where we\u2019d drive in, etc. When we arrived at her dorm, an obliging student let us inside, so even though Eleanor couldn\u2019t look in her room (she didn\u2019t have a key yet), she was able to explore the building, walk through the basement, find the laundry machines, etc., when there were almost no students around. On the Happier<\/em> podcast episode 457<\/a>, we talk about why visiting a place ahead of time can reduce anxiety. This familiarity made the next morning much easier.<\/p>\n

3. Eleanor had to choose a time slot for us to unload the car, and I was surprised that she chose 8 a.m., because usually she\u00a0 prefers to sleep later if possible. When the morning arrived, I was very glad she had the forethought to choose the first possible time. From the moment we arrived, she felt restless and uneasy. She wouldn\u2019t have enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, morning walk, or sleeping in. She just wanted to get unpacked and settled.<\/p>\n

4. I kept reminding myself, \u201cPeople are more important than process.\u201d Meaning, meeting people or being attentive to Eleanor was more important than getting unpacked as fast as possible. For instance, at one point, Eleanor said, \u201cCan we just go get a cup of coffee?\u201d Part of me thought, \u201cLet\u2019s get this done!\u201d but I realized, no, we\u2019re not in a hurry, let\u2019s take a caffeine break. That respite really calmed her down. Also, I\u00a0 kept reminding myself not to get so focused on the to-do list that I didn\u2019t make conversation with the other families. People are more important than process.<\/p>\n

5. At a certain point, I could see that Eleanor was starting to have trouble bridging the new and old worlds. There wasn\u2019t much for Jamie and me to do. Probably our most important decision was recognizing the right time to leave.<\/p>\n

At the very end, I gave Eleanor a long, tight hug, and when Jamie asked me a question, I couldn\u2019t speak. \u201cOh, Mom, are you crying?\u201d she asked tenderly. \u201cI never see you cry! It\u2019s okay!\u201d I tried to put into that hug everything I couldn\u2019t say.<\/p>\n

After we gave our last, bittersweet good-byes, and as we headed back to the parking garage to start the long drive home, Jamie took my hand.<\/p>\n

Fittingly, I was reminded of something I\u2019d read during my own<\/em> college years, the final lines of Milton\u2019s Paradise Lost<\/em>:<\/p>\n

Some natural tears they drop\u2019d, but wip\u2019d them soon;
The World was all before them, where to choose
Thir place of rest, and Providence thir guide:
They hand in hand with wandring steps and slow,
Through Eden took thir solitarie way.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

On the drive home, I wasn\u2019t sobbing (I\u2019ve heard from many people who say that they sobbed the entire way home), but I was overwhelmed by waves of emotions.<\/p>\n

Jamie reached over and took my hand again. \u201cShe\u2019ll do great,\u201d he said reassuringly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d I answered. \u201cShe\u2019ll do great, and we\u2019ll do great, but it\u2019s the end of an era.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not really sure what I\u2019m feeling. A friend emailed me, \u201cYou may still be processing those emotions for a long time.\u201d I think she\u2019s right.<\/p>\n

As I was preparing for this milestone, I felt dissatisfied with the metaphor of \u201cEmpty nest<\/strong>.\u201d \u201cEmpty\u201d has a bereft feel and signifies loss and absence; I don\u2019t want to define the next decades of my life by what\u2019s missing.<\/p>\n

\n

Instead, I\u2019m using the metaphor of \u201cOpen door<\/strong>.\u201d I like this metaphor because it emphasizes that family members are going and returning. Jamie and I can take an impulsive trip, because our door is more open than when we had children to care for; and Eliza and Eleanor can come and go as they please.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Our door is always open! The metaphor reminds me that I want to cultivate an atmosphere of freedom, possibility, welcome, and tenderness.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

\"Profit<\/a>
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My husband Jamie and I recently drove our younger daughter Eleanor up to college, to help her move in for her freshman year. It\u2019s a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8563,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8562","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-habits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8562","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8562"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8562\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8563"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8562"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8562"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8562"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}