{"id":8659,"date":"2024-09-05T04:36:30","date_gmt":"2024-09-05T08:36:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/reflections-on-a-30th-wedding-anniversary-30-things-ive-learned\/"},"modified":"2024-09-05T04:36:30","modified_gmt":"2024-09-05T08:36:30","slug":"reflections-on-a-30th-wedding-anniversary-30-things-ive-learned","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/parmaks.com\/Resources\/reflections-on-a-30th-wedding-anniversary-30-things-ive-learned\/","title":{"rendered":"Reflections on a 30th\u00a0Wedding Anniversary: 30 Things I\u2019ve Learned"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Profit<\/a>
\n<\/p>\n

\n

On September 4, 2024, my husband Jamie and I will have been married for thirty years<\/em>. Unbelievable.<\/p>\n

We didn\u2019t notice it at the time, but our wedding date is easy to remember: 9\/4\/94. Very handy. At this point, we\u2019ve lived together longer than we lived apart.<\/p>\n

To mark this occasion, I decided to reflect on some things I\u2019ve learned about happiness and relationships\u2014specifically, in honor of 30 years, 30 things I\u2019ve learned about staying happier in my relationship to Jamie. Spoiler alert: This is a very<\/em> idiosyncratic list.<\/p>\n

With Jamie, I had love at first sight. How well I remember that moment in the law library! I felt Cupid\u2019s arrow pierce my heart.<\/em> I don\u2019t believe that everyone experiences love at first sight, or that it\u2019s infallible, or that it always lasts forever\u2014but I don\u2019t think it\u2019s a Hollywood invention.<\/p>\n

We met, we got engaged several months later, we got married soon after that\u2014and I thought I knew Jamie extremely well. Hah! Now that we\u2019ve been married thirty years, I realize how little we actually knew about each other.<\/p>\n

I feel extraordinarily fortunate that with each year that passes, I feel a deeper love for Jamie, more admiration for his great qualities, and more tolerance for his\u2026\u201dquirks.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here are 30 observations, insights, memories, and reminders I give myself:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. I should go to bed angry<\/a>.<\/li>\n
  2. Don\u2019t expect Jamie to do anything like a \u201chappiness project.\u201d That\u2019s not his style, and that\u2019s fine.<\/li>\n
  3. Don\u2019t underestimate the importance of the fact that we both like to get to the airport early.<\/li>\n
  4. Grab his hand, put my arm around him, give him a hug; Jamie\u2019s love language is \u201cPhysical Touch.\u201d<\/li>\n
  5. Face the fact that he\u2019s not going to answer a lot of my texts and emails. Recognize that he\u2019s like this with everyone, it\u2019s not just me.<\/li>\n
  6. Celebrate the anniversary of January 9, 2015, as the happiest day of my life<\/a>\u2014the day when Jamie was declared \u201ccured\u201d of the hepatitis C he got from a blood transfusion when he was eight years old.<\/li>\n
  7. Recognize my tendency to blame Jamie when things go wrong, even when it\u2019s not his fault.<\/li>\n
  8. Remember that time<\/a> when a nurse asked us if we were newlyweds, when in fact we\u2019d been married for more than a decade and had two children.<\/li>\n
  9. When I get mad about something Jamie does or doesn\u2019t do, make the positive argument\u2013usually, it holds. \u201cJamie never helps us get ready for travel\u201d \u201cJamie always helps us get ready for travel.\u201d<\/li>\n
  10. Give Jamie a kiss every morning and every evening.<\/li>\n
  11. Whenever possible, when making a complaint or criticism, lighten up. Using a humorous tone, an inside joke, or a callback lets me make my point, but nicely.<\/li>\n
  12. Use written notes to give reminders to Jamie, instead of talking.<\/li>\n
  13. Remember that Jamie is one of those Questioners<\/a>\u00a0who doesn\u2019t like to answer questions. Yes, I see the irony.<\/li>\n
  14. Every time Jamie comes and goes from the apartment, get up out of my seat to say hello or good-bye.<\/li>\n
  15. Whenever possible, text him with funny photos or interesting news.<\/li>\n
  16. Remember the time Jamie woke me up to see the sunrise<\/a>.<\/li>\n
  17. Jamie is really good at giving thoughtful gifts, which shows that he pays close attention to the interests and desires of the people around him.<\/li>\n
  18. Tell him how much I admire his dedication to civic matters.<\/li>\n
  19. Tell him how much I appreciate his love for going to the grocery store.<\/li>\n
  20. Tell him how much I appreciate the fact that he has an encyclopedic memory for faces, names, and facts about people, as well as his surprising knowledge about a wide variety of subjects.<\/li>\n
  21. Sometimes I get hopping mad when Jamie doesn\u2019t \u201ccc\u201d me on an email or fails to give me important information\u2014e.g., he\u2019s committed both of us to attending an event. Remember: That\u2019s the guy I married! Nobody\u2019s perfect.<\/li>\n
  22. When our daughters were little, when they were asleep, Jamie would sometimes say, \u201cLet\u2019s gaze lovingly,\u201d and we\u2019d stand together in the hallway and gaze at them through the half-opened door. It\u2019s a beautiful memory.<\/li>\n
  23. He worries about the people he loves; give him reassurances when he needs them, even when I find it tiring.<\/li>\n
  24. Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other\u2019s parents.<\/li>\n
  25. Remember that even when he doesn\u2019t respond to some remark I\u2019ve made, he\u2019s listening; he\u2019ll often act on something I\u2019ve said without comment. (I used to assume he wasn\u2019t paying attention because he wasn\u2019t replying.)<\/li>\n
  26. Jamie rarely praises me, and he rarely criticizes me.<\/li>\n
  27. Jamie never complains about the fact that I have such a dislike of driving, even though it means that he\u2019s stuck doing all the driving.<\/li>\n
  28. Jamie\u2019s great about planning adventures, buying tickets to shows, finding restaurants in interesting neighborhoods, discovering new TV shows and podcasts, and so on, and this is one way he makes our lives richer and happier.<\/li>\n
  29. In general, and particularly as a father, Jamie worries about things that don\u2019t worry me, and he\u2019s not anxious about things that make me anxious\u2014so we\u2019re a good balance. (Some things, we both worry about!)<\/li>\n
  30. As a Questioner, Jamie won\u2019t do something unless he thinks it makes sense. When sometimes this behavior annoys annoys me, I remind myself how helpful this attitude often is.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Thirty years ago, in our wedding ceremony, we included the poem \u201cHummingbird\/For Tess\u201d by Raymond Carver. It seems appropriate for a 30th anniversary, too:<\/p>\n

    Suppose I say summer<\/em>,
    write the word \u201chummingbird,\u201d
    put it in an envelope,
    take it down the hill
    to the box. When you open
    my letter you will recall
    those days and how much,
    just how much, I love you.<\/p>\n

    Also, if you like, you can hear me read<\/a> the very short and beautiful story \u201cI Was Trying to Describe You to Someone\u201d by Richard Brautigan, which was also read during our wedding ceremony.<\/p>\n

    I just decided that in honor of this day, I\u2019m going to go look at our wedding album. It\u2019s been a while since I pulled it off the shelf. I\u2019ll ask Jamie if he wants to look, too.<\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

    \"Profit<\/a>
    <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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